It was July 2009. I went to bed as usual. The next day, I woke up as usual, but something was different. I didn’t know what it was until I started to “see” how ugly I was inside and how ugly some people were inside. My inner eye began to “see” ego-mind patterns.
That really messed me up badly and shattered some of my illusions about reality. I thought I was nice and fine. I thought others were nice and fine. But I was ugly inside and they were ugly inside. I realized that we were all sinners.
I couldn’t stand what I was seeing. I saw myself bullshiting myself and others. I saw people saying things with insincere or pretentious intentions. I saw my ego-mind in action. I saw their ego-minds in action.
I started to point out others’ bullshit as they do them so that I could vent my negative emotions. I lost a lot of friends during that time. I started to point out my family’s bullshit. I drove them crazy. They didn’t know what I was saying. Their ego-mind happened so quickly that their thoughts immediately blurred it.
My world was collapsing from the inside. I didn’t know myself and others anymore. My mother thought there was something wrong with my eyes and told me to see an eye doctor. I avoided going out and stayed away from people as much as possible. I considered making myself blind and deaf, so that I could avoid seeing and hearing.
I kept telling myself that I am not crazy. I couldn’t find others like me. I didn’t know how to ask for help. The situation became so bad that my dad called the Enlightened One. The Enlightened One told me to go see him and he would help me. When I was there, he told me that my inner eye was open and I needed to adjust myself. He taught me some methods to help me adjust myself.
He also told me to start classifying ego-mind patterns. Therefore, I practiced these methods over and over and paid attention to various ego-mind patterns and techniques. I also started reading newspaper headlines to understand and gather their techniques. I also did the inner and shadow work to face and improve myself. For years, this was all I did.
My body is allergic to alcohol, but I got drunk several times to see if this inner eye would close. It didn’t. The only break I got was from my sleep. Over the years, the inner eye saw more and more, but I have learned to relax and let go. I also learned to socialize with people again.
From my experience, awakening is not for the faint of heart. Every awakening will bring you closer to reality, collapses you from the inside, and messes you up in ways you can’t fathom.
Inner Practitioner 