It was about six years ago. I was so afraid of the Enlightened One. He can read my thoughts. He can see how ugly I was inside. My fear kept growing, and I kept trying to control it. I was also with a manipulator and an abuser, and they were messing with me.
My fear reached a level beyond my control. At that moment, I screamed from the inside and said, “NO MORE!” I heard a cracking sound inside, like something shattered. I didn’t know I became fearless and lost my feeling of fear. Since then my life has changed forever.
In place of the feeling of fear, there is only inner silence. I went to see the Enlightened One. When he saw me, he smiled and said, “Ah, good! You can start learning Buddhism now.” He had a dog that almost always barked at me. That dog stopped barking at me. Somehow it knew. I also saw that sometimes when it barks, it was pretending because it knew that others would be scared.
I lost all my phobias. I was afraid of heights. So I went to all the tall buildings that I could find and stand on top. My hands would be a little itchy, but my inside was silent. I started to see many people acting out of fear, but they didn’t realize it.
I realized that fear happens instantly. After that, the mind replays this fear and develops a feeling of fear. Most people suffer from the feeling of fear.
I saw my family members mainly act out of fear. I knew I had ended my resonance with them in this regard. I never felt so alone because I couldn’t find anyone like me. I saw my friends say things out of fear, and they felt scared, but I had no reaction. It took a long time to learn to pretend to be afraid so I could fit in.
The Enlightened One said that I temporarily ended my karma of ignorance, but if I don’t continue my inner practice, it could come back. He also said that I will never die from a natural disaster. It doesn’t matter because I don’t feel fear about my own death.
I started to see and classify what people do when they are afraid. It became part of my inner practice. I also realized that I have no courage, because courage belongs to the one with fear, not the fearless one. In addition, I understood how past Zen masters could face death so calmly.
It also created a disconnect between me and others. When others told me about their fear, I couldn’t relate because I forgot about the feeling of fear. I had to remind myself to look at things from their perspectives and feelings.
In reality, fear is only a paper tiger. True Heart never fears. Fear comes from greed. Greed comes from ignorance (inner darkness). Losing my feeling of fear is just the beginning. I am still a beginner in many things. After a long while, I stopped looking for others like me and focused on my own inner practice and growth.
Inner Practitioner 